


Lost Time

by unlmtdsky



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alchera, Angst, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Love, Mass Effect 3: Leviathan, POV Kaidan Alenko, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma, Vulnerability, mostly canon-compliant, relationships are hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:14:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25009039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unlmtdsky/pseuds/unlmtdsky
Summary: Kaidan's POV during the Despoina portion of the Leviathan DLC and afterwards.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard
Comments: 6
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This story lovingly borrows characters, situations, lore, settings, etc from the world and creators of Mass Effect. I do not own these characters or the world they inhabit. This work is intended for entertainment purposes only.
> 
> Bumped up the rating to Mature just in case, but I'm still not sure if the final rating will be kicked up to Explicit for the final chapter. I'll have to see where it goes.

***

_Ten years is a lot of lost time. Let’s make sure we never let time just slip by us, okay?_

***

Kaidan fired two rounds at a pair of husks before crouching back down next to Vega as they waited for Shepard to figure out what to do next. He had been here many times before—holding their position while the Commander came up with some plan to save them.

They had never been in a situation quite like this before though: stranded on the deck of an old wrecked ship on a remote water planet without a way to contact the Normandy or take off in the Kodiak. Kaidan had to admit, their situation seemed dire. He paused his racing thoughts and tried to listen over the sound of the crashing of the waves as Shepard and Cortez discussed options.

“Well… you might be able to use a mech,” he thought Cortez was saying. “Looks like it’s rigged for diving.” Kaidan shook his head disbelievingly; he couldn’t have heard Cortez right. They were not discussing the possibility of commandeering that old mech they had found and… what? Jumping off the side of the wreckage and sinking to the bottom of the goddamn ocean? What was the plan once they got down there? He glanced at Vega, and he knew he hadn’t misheard when he saw his own disbelief mirrored on the lieutenant’s face.

But it was the words Kaidan heard next that caused a chill of fear to settle deep inside of him.

“Well, if that’s what we have to do, let’s get started,” Shepard said resolutely.

This plan, if one could even call it that, was crazy, and Kaidan couldn’t keep quiet any longer. He stood up from his position and took several steps towards Shepard and Cortez. “Wait a minute here,” he began. “Are we seriously considering…?” Kaidan trailed off, unwilling to complete the thought. He was not going to lend legitimacy to this insane scheme by putting words to it.

Shepard either didn’t hear Kaidan or chose to ignore him—probably the latter, Kaidan thought. She followed Cortez, who was clambering back up towards their shuttle. “First, we’ll need to restore power to get that cargo door open,” Cortez started to explain, pointing across the deck towards the sealed cargo bay door, behind which sat the old diving mech.

“How?” Shepard asked, closing the distance to Cortez and leaning closer to hear him better as they worked out the details of the plan. Kaidan just raised his eyebrows at the pair in disbelief.

The sound of footsteps approaching then pausing beside him told Kaidan that Vega had followed him over. “It appears we _are_ considering it,” Vega said with a shrug.

Kaidan couldn’t believe what he was hearing. They were seriously going to attempt this. Who knew how old that diving mech was and what kind of condition it was in? And who was going to make the dive—Shepard? Wait, no. Just NO.

He was about to voice his vehement objection to this course of action when a screeching sound rent the air. It was the familiar sound of reapers falling from the sky, and he and Lieutenant Vega turned just in time to see a group of them hitting the ship’s deck between their position and the cargo bay. Whatever Kaidan felt right now, it could wait. First, he needed to defend their position and clear the deck of reapers.

The ensuing battle was a blur of chaos and confusion. Kaidan and the lieutenant worked side by side to take out the swarm of husks, cannibals, and marauders as Shepard made several treks between the shuttle and an area near the cargo bay door. During brief pauses in the firefight, Kaidan gathered that Cortez was giving her the shuttle’s power cells and Shepard was installing them somewhere in order to power the sealed cargo bay door. Though he still didn’t agree with this plan, the best thing Kaidan could do to protect Shepard at this moment was to keep the swarm of reapers at bay—so he did. He could dissuade her from this diving plan nonsense once their enemies had been killed.

After several long minutes of fighting, Kaidan heard the sound of the cargo bay door opening. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw Shepard approaching what looked to be an old Triton model mech. He was about to call out to her when he heard the deafening crash of a large creature hitting the deck nearby. He whirled around just in time to see a massive reaper brute bearing down on Lieutenant Vega.

“Vega! I’m coming!” he shouted before equipping some disruptor ammo and darting towards his squadmate. Vega had wisely taken cover behind a large shipping container, and Kaidan ducked in beside the lieutenant. Kaidan peered around the corner of the crate and fired several rounds into the brute, but the creature barely seemed to notice.

Before Kaidan could fully formulate a plan of attack, he heard the sound of Shepard’s mech powering up. He looked over just in time to see her drawing down the mech’s hatch. The brute had also been drawn by the sound of the mech, and to Kaidan’s horror, the creature turned and began to lunge in Shepard’s direction.

But Kaidan needn’t have worried. Shepard swung the torso of the mech around and took aim at the brute, launching several direct missiles at the massive reaper as it bore down on her. She fired the mech’s large-caliber guns at it relentlessly until the creature finally crashed to the ground in a bloody heap mere meters away. Kaidan breathed a sigh of relief and turned to look at Vega, who was grinning back at him like a damn fool.

“Come on,” Kaidan said, rolling his eyes and heading back over to the shuttle as Shepard navigated the mech over to where Cortez stood waiting. The mech lumbered to a halt; then, the hatch opened to reveal a triumphant, if slightly disheveled, Commander Shepard.

Cortez activated his omni-tool and walked towards the large mech. “All right, Commander. Give me a minute to do a systems check,” he said. As he knelt down beside the mech and began examining the readings on his display, Shepard began adjusting some of the controls inside the mech’s hull.

“Shepard,” Kaidan said cautiously, approaching the mech and calling out to her. She was perched in the mech’s pilot seat a meter above him, so he had to tilt his head up to look at her. “I’ve got to say… I’m not too crazy about this plan.” He knew he wasn’t making any kind of argument at all, but he wasn’t sure if there was anything that could be said to persuade Shepard away from a plan once she had decided upon a course of action.

“We’ve come too far to stop now. The way home is through Leviathan,” she replied matter-of-factly.

“Yeah, but… is this really the only way? Maybe _I_ should—”

“Let me stop you right there,” Shepard said, cutting him off. She glared down at him imperiously, but whatever she saw on his face caused her own expression to soften. “I know you want to protect me, but I can do this. It has to be me.” Her eyes took on a far-away look, as if she were remembering something painful, but it passed quickly.

“But does it? Does it have to be you?” he asked, unable to keep his words from sounding like a plea. He didn’t want her to do this. He could feel his heart starting to race in his chest. He couldn’t risk losing her. It was beginning to feel like Alchera all over again.

Lieutenant Vega, who had been standing nearby, cleared his throat. “Major—” he began, but Kaidan interrupted him.

“Not now, Lieutenant,” he snapped more harshly than he had intended at the younger man. Kaidan could see Vega’s jaw clenching as he held back whatever he had wanted to say, but the lieutenant held his tongue and simply nodded before walking several paces away to see how Cortez’s inspection of the mech was progressing.

Kaidan breathed out a sigh and rubbed at the back of his neck. This wasn’t going right. Everything was moving so quickly. He just wanted to take a minute to talk about this plan and whether putting Shepard in danger was the best course of action; she had unilaterally made this decision without even discussing it with him. He thought they were a team. He was her partner—in more ways than one. Or so he had thought.

“Shepard— _Jane_ ,” he began. He gazed sadly up at her and her eyes met his. He pleaded with her silently, begging her not to do this.

“ _Kaidan_ ,” was all she said in reply. Their eyes remained locked for several long moments as unspoken words passed between them.

Kaidan flinched as Cortez’s voice interrupted their silent conversation. “Okay, seals check out,” the pilot called from where he was crouched at the mech’s side examining some readings on his omni-tool. “Oxygen pressure is nominal. Systems are a go.” Cortez stood and walked over with Lieutenant Vega to stand in front of the mech and talk to Shepard. Kaidan took a step to the side. 

“It’s as ready as I can make it,” Steve said, closing his omni-tool’s display and waiting for Shepard’s orders.

Kaidan’s heart sank. He had subconsciously been holding out hope that maybe the mech wouldn’t be functional or that something else would intervene and prevent this plan from going forward. There wasn’t going to be anything he could do to stop her now.

Shepard tore her eyes away from Kaidan to look at Cortez. “I’m ready. Let’s go,” she said, nodding her head in affirmation.

“But Shepard...” Kaidan said. His voice was gruff with emotion as he realized these might be the last words he ever spoke to her. There was so much he wanted— _needed_ —to say, but he couldn’t find the words. Why couldn’t she see how reckless this was?

“I’ll be _fine_ , Kaidan,” Shepard assured him, looking back to him one last time. Her tone was sure and confident. She was Commander Shepard, after all—she wasn’t allowed to express fear or hesitation in front of her crew. But in Shepard’s expression, Kaidan thought he glimpsed a glimmer of something like doubt. It was as if she were trying to convince him _and_ herself she would be fine.

Kaidan didn’t know what to do. This was happening even though everything inside of him screamed that it was a terrible idea. He wanted another minute to convince her or to place his hands on her shoulders and shake some sense into her. Hell, he would give anything to be able to touch her at all right now, to be able to touch her one last time in case this moment just before she plunged into an endless abyss would be the last time he ever saw her. He could feel a swell of panic rising up inside of him, but he knew it wouldn’t do any good to let Shepard see it.

Kaidan swallowed hard, keeping all of his roiling thoughts and feelings inside. Not trusting himself to be able to speak, he just nodded silently and took several steps backwards, away from the mech.

Shepard gave him one long, last look before sliding back into the role of Commander. She reached for the controls and announced, “Closing hatch.” The mech’s hatch closed, sealing her inside. Kaidan felt like he couldn’t breathe.

Lieutenant Vega came to stand next to Kaidan, and the two men watched as Cortez and Shepard ticked through several system checks. Shepard synched the mech’s comms with Cortez’s omni-tool so he could maintain both video and audio contact with her as she dived. He then linked Kaidan’s and Vega’s radios to the audio channel, so they could listen in as well.

“Here goes,” Kaidan heard Shepard’s voice say over the comm link. He couldn’t do anything except stand there as he watched Shepard navigate the mech towards the edge of the deck. He stiffened as he felt a hand on his shoulder, and when he glanced back, Vega had an expression of concern on his face.

“She’ll be okay, Major,” Vega said. Kaidan said nothing. He just turned back towards the diving mech to observe as Shepard prepared to make her dive. He had never felt so helpless in his life. Or rather, he thought as his mind flicked back to memories of Alchera, this was the second time he had felt this helpless in his life.

Shepard’s voice broke through his comms again as she began her countdown. “Commencing dive in 3… 2… 1…”

And then Kaidan could only watch as the diving mech carrying both his heart and the woman he loved stepped off the side of the deck and began its long, slow journey to the murky depths below.


	2. Chapter 2

The next few hours crawled by with agonizing slowness. At first, they had been able to maintain contact with Shepard. She and Cortez had several exchanges about system readings as the mech began its descent. Quickly, however, it became clear that whatever was preventing them from contacting the Normandy in the first place was going to interfere with their short-range communications as well.

_“I’m getting some comm interference on this end,” Cortez said. “Hang on.” His fingers moved briskly over his omni-tool’s display as he tried to clean up the signal._

_Shepard’s response came amidst a burst of static. “Copy that.” Kaidan couldn't help but think that she sounded much calmer than he felt._

_“Commander, can you read me?” Cortez asked. He somehow managed to keep his voice steady and calm, though Kaidan could see by his furrowed brow that the shuttle pilot was visibly worried. “We’re losing your signal,” he pressed. “Something is blocking your comm. Please respond.”_

There had been no more replies from Shepard after that. Only the steady sound of static on the radio comm channel.

With nothing else to do besides wait, the three men set to work preparing the Kodiak for a quick departure once Shepard returned to the surface. Kaidan and Vega retrieved the power cells Shepard had used to open the cargo bay door, and Cortez reinstalled them in the shuttle. They barely spoke as they worked, only breaking the tense silence long enough to give instructions or ask brief questions. Kaidan could tell that neither Cortez or Vega knew what to say to him, and honestly, there wasn’t anything they _could_ say that would make this whole thing any easier. No radio contact from Shepard didn’t necessarily mean something had happened to her, but the longer they went without hearing from her, the greater that likelihood became.

Every few minutes or so, Kaidan’s eyes would flicker to the spot just off the edge of the deck where the diving mech carrying Shepard had submerged beneath the choppy waves. His gaze would linger for a moment, hoping to catch sight of the mech’s hull breaking the surface of the water to deliver Shepard safely back to him. And his heart sank with disappointment and worry each time she didn’t appear.

Eventually Kaidan ran out of tasks to keep his mind occupied, so he sat down a little ways away from the shuttle and his two crewmates. He just needed a minute to himself. A minute to think. He leaned forward and cradled his head in his hands. A slight headache had begun to radiate upwards from the back of his neck, and it was getting just bad enough that he was finding it more and more difficult to ignore.

 _Just what I fucking need right now_ , he thought. Kaidan had definitely been overusing his biotics on this mission, and while it had been necessary, he was probably going to regret it later.

Assuming they even got to have a later.

Kaidan sighed and rubbed absently at the back of his neck. Without anything besides his pain to distract him, his thoughts began to dwell on Shepard and a recent brief exchange they’d had on the Normandy.

It had happened shortly after they returned from their mission to find Dr. Garneau on the Mahavid asteroid. The dozens of T-GES Mineral Works employees they’d found there had been indoctrinated for so long that when their minds had been freed, they'd thought the year was 2176. Those people had lost _ten years_ of their lives in that mine. That revelation had shaken Kaidan more than he had let on at the time.

Later, once they made it back to the Normandy, Kaidan had been pacing in the Observation Deck when Shepard had found him. The moment he saw her, he wanted nothing more than to rush over to her and take her in his arms, to let her know just how much he cared for her and how much she meant to him. He had only recently gotten her back after losing her for those two and a half years following Alchera, and the thought of losing ten years with her terrified him. But even after the conversation they'd had at Apollo's, their newly-mended relationship was still a fragile thing, and he hadn’t wanted to push things too quickly.

Instead, he had just tried to focus on their mission and the good they had done by rescuing those miners. Instead, he had just cupped her cheek and said, _“Ten years is a lot of lost time. Let’s make sure we never let time just slip by us, okay?_ ” He had truly meant those words when he spoke them to her, and yet it seemed they were letting time slip by them all the same. Here he was, dangerously close to losing her again and with so many things still left unsaid between them. Why hadn’t he learned?

And now she was down there somewhere, at the bottom of the ocean, facing off against this unknown Leviathan, _by herself_. And he'd just _let_ her go. Not that he could ever stop her from doing anything once she'd set her mind to it, but still... He'd let her go with barely a fight. Without telling her all the things that he needed to say to her. He shouldn't have given in so easily. God, was he doomed to live a life of pain and regret?

Kaidan took a deep breath and gritted his teeth through the pain of his headache as his thoughts slipped back to those dark days following Alchera. The moment Joker had emerged alone from his escape pod had absolutely broken Kaidan. He had spent the first hours after the attack in a daze, unable to accept the reality of Shepard’s death. Even at her funeral, with its Alliance honors and empty casket, he had felt hollow and numb. It was as if his mind couldn’t accept the possibility of a world without Shepard in it.

For weeks, he kept expecting her to be there when he opened his eyes in the morning or when he’d walk into a room. And every time he realized she wasn’t there, he’d feel the agony of her loss over again. It had felt like he was drowning in his grief. He could barely eat and he slept no more than a few hours each night. He could barely function as he tried to distract himself with whatever light tasks the Alliance threw his way while they had him placed on mandatory restricted duty following the attack. It had gotten so bad that Anderson had finally summoned him and given him a concerned, if stern, lecture about needing to take care of himself because it’s what Shepard would have wanted.

That had been the worst time of Kaidan’s life, and he didn’t want to think about what would happen if he lost Shepard again—

“Yo, Alenko!” Kaidan’s head flew up as he realized Lieutenant Vega was calling his name—and based on his expression, he’d probably said it a couple of times. “You good, man?” Vega asked, a look of concern on his face.

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, Lieutenant. I’m fine,” Kaidan replied. “Just got a bit of a headache, is all.”

“Uh huh. Here,” Vega said, holding out a protein bar to Kaidan. “You should eat something.”

Kaidan accepted the bar gratefully. “Thanks. Really.” He tore open the wrapper and quietly chewed a couple bites before he realized the lieutenant was still standing behind him. He swallowed and turned to look at him, raising his eyebrows questioningly. “...Is there something else, Lieutenant?”

Vega rubbed sheepishly at the back of his neck. “Just that… Lola’s gonna be back soon. You’ll see.” He paused, then gave Kaidan a nod before turning and striding back over to join Cortez at the shuttle.

Kaidan furrowed his brows in confusion as he watched the Lieutenant walk away. _...Lola?_ That was a new one. He’d have to remember to ask Shepard about it if she made it back.

Not if— _when_ she made it back. Kaidan groaned. _Fuck_. He needed to find something to keep himself busy. If he sat here any longer, his thoughts would spiral out of control while he waited for Shepard to return. He only hoped she would return sooner than later.


	3. Chapter 3

“Uh, guys? We’ve got company!” Lieutenant Vega was yelling a short while later—at the exact same moment Kaidan spotted the reapers streaking through the sky towards their location. He wasn’t sure why the enemy was suddenly making a reappearance after mostly leaving them alone for several hours, but that question would have to be set aside for the moment. For now, the creatures simply needed to be kept at bay. Kaidan leapt to his feet and reached for his assault rifle in the same motion.

“Lieutenant! With me!” he shouted, moving forward to crouch behind some cover that overlooked the deck where the first waves of reapers were crashing down. Vega moved into position next to him, his shotgun already drawn. For a few minutes, neither man spoke as they methodically took out the husks that began swarming across the deck.

During a brief lull in shooting, Kaidan glanced over to their shuttle—he hadn’t heard anything from Cortez during the last wave and was slightly worried that something may have happened. The pilot was nowhere in sight, and Kaidan wondered if he had sought cover inside the shuttle itself. “Cortez, talk to me,” he called to him through the radio.

“Major, I—I think Shepard must have done something. I don’t know what she did, but the pulse is offline! We’re good to go!” The sound of the Kodiak roaring to life filled the air.

“Alright, Cortez. See if you can hail the Normandy and have them get ready to meet us,” Kaidan replied. Hopefully this sudden change in their situation meant Shepard was still alive and that she had succeeded, whatever that might mean, in her mission to go up against Leviathan. But he still didn’t know what to expect when she returned. His ingrained military training had him planning for the worst while his heart had him hoping for the best.

 _Come on, Jane. Where are you?_ Kaidan thought desperately just as two brutes crashed down on the other side of an open section of the deck. They needed to hold on and give her enough time to get back to the surface. And he had to believe she was on her way back to the surface. He couldn’t allow himself to believe otherwise.

Kaidan ducked out of cover just long enough to squeeze off several rounds at the pair of massive reapers before crouching down again. He heard Lieutenant Vega pop out of cover and take several shots of his own, when suddenly a new sound coming from Kaidan’s right drew his attention.

Just off the edge of the ship’s deck, in just about the same spot where hours ago Shepard had disappeared over the side, her diving mech reappeared as the hull breached the waves. Kaidan’s heart leapt into a throat as the mech launched itself onto the decking and lurched forward a pace or two before finally coming to a halt. Utter relief coursed through him. _She had made it back to him_.

He didn’t even realize he was holding his breath as the mech’s hatch opened to reveal an alive but weary-looking Shepard. Even at this distance, Kaidan could tell that she wasn’t well. Her head lolled forward and she was unsteady as she placed her hands on either side of the hull’s frame in an effort to extract herself from the mech’s cockpit. Before he could even formulate a plan to get to her, he watched helplessly as she maneuvered herself out of the pilot’s seat. She dropped the several meters to the deck below and immediately collapsed to the ground when her legs couldn’t support her.

“Shepard’s back!” Kaidan heard himself yelling to the others as his eyes frantically surveyed the scene and assessed their situation. The two reaper brutes roared menacingly a mere 5 or 6 meters away from where Shepard was still lying on the deck, struggling to regain her footing. He didn’t need his medic training to see that she clearly needed help. He needed to find a way to get to her without attracting the reapers’ attention.

He called to the lieutenant through his comm. “Vega, she needs help. Distract those brutes so I can get to her.”

“Yessir,” came Vega’s reply, followed by several blasts from a shotgun. One of the brutes roared in pain as Vega followed up with a blast of Carnage, bits of gore and rotten flesh bursting from the reaper’s side.

Before Kaidan could make a move towards her position, he watched in horror as Shepard collapsed again, this time landing on her side and making no more effort to get up. _Oh, God_ , Kaidan thought as he tried to quell his rising panic. Something was wrong with Shepard, and now her movements had drawn the attention of the reapers, in spite of Vega’s attempts at distraction. The brutes turned and began to lumber in her direction.

Suddenly, one of the brutes raised its head as if it had heard something. Kaidan watched wide-eyed as the brute hesitated. It looked almost as if it were… considering something? It was ridiculous, but Kaidan could think of no other way to describe it. Then, after a long pause, the brute turned on its companion in a surprise attack. The two brutes began to battle each other in a vicious fight.

It was now or never. “Keep them off of us!” Kaidan yelled into his comms at Vega, seizing on the opportunity to dart out from behind cover and rush towards Shepard while the brutes were distracted. She was still lying on her side, now curled slightly into herself. And from what he could tell, she wasn’t moving.

The two reapers were so involved in fighting each other that they were completely oblivious to Kaidan’s presence when he finally reached Shepard. Ignoring the sounds of the brutal clash happening meters away, he crouched down and reached for her, turning her carefully so he could look into her eyes. When he saw that they were closed, he felt as if his heart had ceased to beat.

“Shepard?” His voice nearly broke when he said her name. As he spoke, he slid a hand to her face and cupped her cheek. At the contact, her eyes fluttered and her head turned slightly into his touch. She was still alive but barely conscious.

His heart was finally able to beat again.

“Come on, Shepard. Wake up,” he murmured before carefully moving one of her arms to drape around his neck so that he could lift her. She had carried him off a battlefield multiple times now; he was more than prepared to do the same for her.

“Kai… dan…” she groaned just as he was about to stand and pull her up with him. He froze mid-crouch.

“Jane?” he said as her eyes opened and searched for him. Their eyes met, but he didn’t think he saw recognition there. Her eyes were sliding in and out of focus. “Jane, I’m here, but we need to move. You need to get up,” he said more firmly.

Her eyes closed then, but she nodded her understanding. He felt her arm tug on his shoulder as she began using him to leverage herself up, and he pulled her with him as he stood, helping her to her feet. She was unsteady, but between the two of them they could keep her upright and moving.

“I’ve got her,” Kaidan grunted through the comm as he began to move with Shepard leaning heavily against him. “We’re coming.”

“Copy that,” Vega’s voice came over the comms, and Kaidan glanced up to see where the lieutenant was waiting, providing them cover as they slowly made their way back to the shuttle. Kaidan could still hear the brutes behind them fighting each other, but he did his best to ignore them as he focused on putting one foot in front of the other, dragging Shepard with him the remaining meters to the shuttle and relative safety. They were _so close_.

And then, after a brief but close call that had Kaidan dodging to the side as he avoided a husk that had momentarily slipped past Vega’s notice, they were there. Kaidan was pulling Shepard with him past Vega’s position to where Cortez had the Kodiak waiting with the side door already open. She lurched forward unsteadily, reaching for the shuttle but unable to get herself inside on her own. Kaidan helped heave her forward, and she fell heavily against the shuttle floor, rolling onto her back, her arms splayed wide.

“Vega!” Kaidan called, glancing over his shoulder to look back at the lieutenant. Vega was taking out a pair of husks who had been advancing on the shuttle’s position, but once they were down, he turned and made a dash for the shuttle. Kaidan scrambled inside and immediately knelt at Shepard’s side, trusting that Vega and Cortez would get them off the planet safely.

He barely noticed Vega leaping into the shuttle and pounding his fist on the frame to signal Cortez.

He barely heard Vega shouting “Esteban, what are you waiting for? Let’s go!” as the door slid shut behind him.

And he barely registered the movement as the Kodiak jerked up, then swerved around as Cortez piloted them up and away from the wreckage where they had been marooned for the past half a day.

His entire focus was on Shepard.

Kaidan removed his armored gloves, setting them aside before pulling up his omni-tool. “Shepard? Can you hear me?” he asked her. She didn’t respond.

He forced himself to slip into medic mode, compartmentalizing his growing panic over Shepard’s well-being so he could focus on diagnosing what exactly was wrong with her. Until they reconvened with the Normandy and Dr. Chakwas, he was the crew's medic and his commander's health was in his hands. Kaidan ran a rapid diagnostic scan on his omni-tool and peered at the screen, skimming through the results.

“She’s freezing,” he said aloud to no one in particular. He felt a sinking feeling in his stomach as he noted her decreased body temperature, weak pulse, and below normal blood oxygen level, but he also knew that the bio-interfacing in her armor would be working to restore her body stats to normal now that she was out of the diving mech and had returned to more acceptable environmental parameters. She had been down there at the bottom of the sea for hours, and the diving mech had obviously been running on its last dredges of power by the time it had returned to the surface. Shepard was lucky to have made it back at all. Kaidan leaned over her and brushed a lock of damp red hair off of her forehead as he examined her pale face.

“Damn it! We’ve got a Reaper inbound!” Cortez announced. Kaidan looked up then to see Cortez at the controls, working to navigate them off the planet while at the same time trying to avoid a massive incoming signature on the radar. Vega had taken the copilot’s seat and was trying to hail Joker and the Normandy.

For a moment, everything seemed to stand still as Kaidan felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, the way they did just before a massive electrostatic discharge. They weren’t going to make it; the Reaper was preparing to attack.

Then, without warning, a metallic screeching sound rent the air and Kaidan could feel the Kodiak rumble unsteadily as it passed within close proximity of the Reaper. Moments later, the sound ceased and the shuttle’s flight smoothed out as they swerved around and beyond the Reaper. They passed out of imminent danger and continued making their way towards where the Normandy was going to meet them in orbit. Meanwhile, the displays indicated that the Reaper was descending rapidly towards the planet, where it finally disappeared as it evidently crashed into the ocean below.

Kaidan’s heart was pounding in his chest as he stared at the shuttle’s nav displays. What the hell had just happened? It was like something had diverted the Reaper just as it had been about to destroy them. He glanced at Shepard, who was still lying unmoving on the floor of the shuttle. Had that been Leviathan’s doing? What the hell had happened down there?

Almost as if she could sense that he was looking at her, Shepard’s eyes flew open and she lurched up, coughing uncontrollably and gasping in lungfuls of air. He reached for her, but she pulled away, like she didn’t realize where she was, propping herself up on her elbows and leaning to one side as she tried to catch her breath. Instead of reaching for her again, he pulled up his omni-tool and ran a second medical diagnostic. Her stats indicated that her system was still under a high amount of stress, but the immediate dangers from hypothermia and hypoxemia had passed.

“Are you okay?” he asked almost mechanically, trying to keep his voice calm. He didn’t feel calm. In fact, now that Shepard had come back to him and he knew she was ultimately going to survive this mission, he felt rather pissed. She had shifted backwards until her back hit the wall of the shuttle and she was resting against it, her head bowed forward as she continued to cough. She clearly wasn’t _okay_ , but that question was all he could manage at the moment.

She looked at him, and he felt a twinge of distress when he saw a line of blood trailing down from her nose. Alright, that definitely wasn’t a good sign, but she had regained consciousness and was looking at him now, so it was a marked improvement over a few minutes ago.

“Yeah… yeah, I’m fine,” she said, her voice rough. It sounded like she was trying to convince herself as much as him. “Hell of a headache, though,” she said with a choked half-laugh. She brought a hand up to her temple and shook her head as if still trying to regain her senses.

 _Was she… making a joke?_ Kaidan thought, feeling irrationally angry now. She had put him through absolute hell for the past few hours while she had gone off to face Leviathan on her own. He hadn’t even known if she was even alive down there, and then she’d turned up in that diving mech half-dead, barely conscious, and unable to walk on her own. He had dragged her onto this shuttle and been forced to run her medical scans himself. And now when he asked her if she was okay, her response was to what, make a dismissive joke? He couldn’t help glaring down at her as he got to his feet and stood in front of her.

Kaidan let out a huff and in a detached tone said, “Never do that again.” She didn’t make eye contact with him, didn’t look up at him, didn’t even nod to acknowledge she’d heard him. She just kept looking straight ahead, her hands now clasped as she rested her elbows on her knees. He scoffed when she didn’t reply, before shaking his head and turning away from her.

“So what happened down there?” came Vega’s questioning voice from the copilot’s seat. Kaidan didn’t look back at Shepard as she responded.

“We found it. Leviathan’s real and a lot more than we ever imagined.” She didn’t sound happy or proud that their mission had apparently been successful. She sounded resigned. He also noted that she hadn’t answered Vega's question.

It was Cortez who then asked, “So was it worth almost dying for?” Kaidan sucked in a breath and held it as he waited for Shepard’s reply. This was a question he desperately wanted to hear the answer to.

“I don’t know,” she said after a pause. He could practically feel her eyes boring into the back of his head as he stubbornly refused to turn and look at her. “But we proved it can’t hide anymore… that it’s part of this war, just like us. And it’s going to help fight.”

The rest of the shuttle flight continued in an uncomfortable silence interrupted only by the occasional communication between Vega and Joker as they headed towards the rendezvous point. Behind him, Kaidan heard Shepard move up off the shuttle’s floor and onto one of the seats, but he remained resolutely facing away from her. He knew he should probably have turned around and helped her up, but while some of his anger had seeped away in the intervening minutes, he was still upset. He was going to need more than a few minutes to get over it.

When Cortez finally set the Kodiak down in the Normandy’s bay and the shuttle bay had been secured and repressurized, Kaidan wasn’t sure what was going to happen next. Vega glanced over his shoulder and gave Kaidan a not particularly sympathetic look before climbing out of the shuttle with Cortez, leaving him and Shepard alone in the back. Kaidan took in a couple of breaths, then steeled himself to turn around and find out where things stood between them.

As he turned, he saw that she was already standing up and making to head out of the Kodiak’s open side door. “Jane—” he began, but she cut him off with a dismissive gesture.

“I’m going to see Chakwas,” was all she said, her voice quiet and still hoarse. She didn’t even look at him before exiting and leaving him alone in the empty shuttle.

 _Well, fuck_.

He kicked frustratedly at the back of the copilot’s chair and ran a hand through his hair.

Kaidan was still angry, and he felt that his anger was justified. But he also felt slightly guilty at not being able to keep his emotions in check. He was usually better at being able to do so.

But ever since he and Jane had worked through so much of what had been lingering between them, ever since she had let herself be so vulnerable and open with him that early morning last week when they had made love again for the first time since getting back together, he had just been so deliriously happy. That she had been so willing to risk herself today without even talking to him about it first or apparently realizing what it would do to him to lose her again—

He sighed. Running his thoughts round and round in circles in his head wasn’t going to get him anywhere.

Kaidan bent down to pick up his gloves from the floor of the shuttle, then stepped out into the nearly empty bay. Shepard had already disappeared up to the med bay, and Vega was missing from his usual spot by his worktable, perhaps headed upstairs to the showers. Only Cortez remained behind, and he glanced up from the armory workstation when Kaidan exited the Kodiak, though he remained silent.

Kaidan approached his locker and began to unload his gear and strip away his armor. He would worry about cleaning it later. For now, he just had to get out of here, preferably to someplace dark and quiet. The migraine that had been threatening all day was attempting to rear its ugly head, so he probably needed to take something for that too, before it got any worse. Luckily he kept some meds in Starboard Observation, so he could avoid both the med bay and Shepard’s quarters, hopefully avoiding running into her for the time being.

They needed to talk, of course. And they would. But now he needed time alone to think. To process. He needed to get his emotions back under control.

Then he and Jane could talk and see where things went from there.

He changed into a clean pair of pants and a fresh undershirt, then closed his locker. Finished, he made his way towards the elevator and hit the button. He avoided looking in Cortez’s direction, not prepared to talk to him or anyone else about today’s mission yet.

When the lift arrived, he stepped inside and hit the button for the crew deck. After the door closed, he leaned against the back wall and closed his eyes for a few seconds. He was so tired—just so physically and emotionally tired.

A moment later, the door slid open and he opened his eyes at the same time that he moved forward to step out of the lift. He halted, surprised, when he found someone waiting for him. Garrus.

The turian was standing far back enough that Kaidan could exit the elevator, but he was blocking the path to Starboard Observation, standing in the middle of the hall with his arms crossed in front of his chest. He was definitely specifically waiting here to talk to Kaidan.

“So?” the turian asked unhelpfully as the elevator door closed behind Kaidan.

“So what?” Kaidan replied testily. He liked Garrus well-enough, but he was never any good at reading the turian’s facial expressions and he wasn’t in the mood to try and guess what he was getting at.

“So what happened down there? You guys were gone most of the day. And I saw Shepard walk into the med bay. She didn’t look too good,” Garrus said. Kaidan could sense genuine concern in his voice. He felt another pang of guilt and his anger ebbed a little.

Kaidan sighed, then reached up and rubbed at the back of his neck before leaning heavily against the wall and staring up at the ceiling. After a long moment, he finally answered, “She almost died down there today, Garrus.”

When he lowered his gaze and met the turian’s eyes, he could see that Garrus was studying him closely. “That’s how it is with Shepard. She’ll risk her life—s _he’ll give up her life_ —if it means the mission will succeed,” Garrus said carefully.

Kaidan nodded but didn’t say anything.

“But you already knew that about her,” he continued. “Do you still love her anyway?” 

“Of _course_ I still love her,” Kaidan answered quickly, angrily. How dare Garrus suggest—

“Then don’t forget it,” Garrus replied. After a moment, he nodded, clapped a taloned hand on Kaidan’s shoulder, then turned and walked back towards the mess hall, leaving Kaidan alone with his thoughts in the hallway.

He just watched the turian leave, blinking in surprise at the bluntness of the conversation they’d just had. Garrus was probably Jane’s best and most loyal friend on the Normandy; he had been there for her when Kaidan hadn't during her time with Cerberus. He didn’t blame him for that. In fact, Kaidan was acutely aware of the fact that because of the mistakes he had made last year, Garrus had actually spent more time by Jane’s side than he had.

Kaidan pushed himself away from the wall and forced himself to walk towards Starboard Observation. Garrus was right. Kaidan was angry, but he was only as angry as he was because he loved Jane so much. That was the crux of it. In the end, that was all that mattered. And he was going to make sure Jane knew it. They had lost too much time already.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I ended up putting most of this chapter through a rewrite before I posted it. I’m used to writing Shepard’s POV not Kaidan’s, and I had gotten through a good portion of this chapter when I realized I was writing it more for Shepard than I was Kaidan. But this chapter and this story are about Kaidan trying to grapple with almost losing Shepard after already having lost her once: it’s about what Kaidan needs from Shepard, not the other way around. Soooo… hopefully the final product works a little better in that regard than my first version did. I also ended up altering where I thought this piece would end up, electing to keep things out of the explicit range. It just didn’t feel right to go there after the direction their conversation ended up taking. Anyway, here it is!

Over an hour later, Kaidan was still alone in Starboard Observation. He had taken his meds and sprawled out on one of the couches after turning off the lights. No one had come in and bothered him, probably because he had unofficially claimed this room as his own.

Kaidan had intended on sleeping for a few hours, but his mind was too brimming with thoughts for sleep. He wasn’t even sure what time it was when he was startled by someone suddenly speaking his name into the silence of the room.

“Major Alenko?” EDI’s calm, cool voice was still something Kaidan hadn’t quite gotten used to hearing after even a month on board this strange, new Normandy.

“Yes, EDI?” he replied, not moving the arm he still had draped over his eyes. There was one major benefit to the SR-2 having its own integrated AI; Kaidan could just speak at the ceiling without having to get up or even open his eyes and the AI could hear him.

“Dr. Chakwas wished me to inform you that the commander returned to her quarters a short while ago.” There was a brief pause before EDI continued. “If you require medical attention, the med bay is free.”

Kaidan moved his arm away from his face, opening his eyes as he huffed out a laugh. Chakwas was a sharp one. She knew that he often dealt with headaches after missions but had obviously also figured out that there was some tension between him and Shepard. He wondered briefly if Jane had spoken to her about it, but he thought it was unlikely. Jane was too private of a person for that. Chakwas _was_ that astute, however.

“Please tell Dr. Chakwas that I’m feeling alright. I took meds and they’re helping. If something changes, I’ll go see her.”

“I will let her know, Major.” Silence followed.

Kaidan groaned and shifted into a sitting position, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. He brought his hands to his temples, massaging gently as he gritted his teeth against the lingering dull ache. Luckily this was a manageable headache and not a full-blown migraine.

Far worse than his headache, however, was how he felt about how things had gone between him and Jane on the shuttle after today’s mission. He’d spent the last hour replaying his conversation with Garrus and dwelling on what he himself had said to Jane in this very room mere weeks ago about not letting time slip by them.

He should have spent the past hour by Jane’s side in the med bay, overseeing her medical care with Chakwas. He should have been there after Jane was released to make sure she made it safely up to her quarters. He should have been up there in Jane’s cabin, helping her wash off the sweat and grime and stress of today’s mission. And he should be there now, climbing into bed beside Jane and holding her close until they both fell asleep in each other’s arms.

Instead, he had wasted all this time hiding in this room by himself, wallowing in his own anger and self-pity. He was such a fool.

Nothing was guaranteed. So he hadn't lost Jane today... but what if he lost her tomorrow? How would he feel then knowing he’d wasted tonight? Why was this lesson seemingly so hard for him to learn?

Kaidan sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. He hadn’t yet showered after their mission, but he was wearing clean clothes and at least he hadn’t spent hours stuck inside a tiny mech at the bottom of the ocean today like Jane had. This was yet another reason he had failed Jane: as bad as this day had been for him, he had apparently forgotten that she’d had an awful day as well. And he didn’t even know yet what had happened down there with Leviathan. _Shit_ , he really needed to talk to her.

Resolving to go to her now, Kaidan quickly got to his feet and moved around the couch towards the door. As he approached, it slid open automatically, and he was startled to find a figure sitting on the floor, slouched against the wall just on the other side of the door.

She was sitting with her feet planted on the floor in front of her and her knees bent so that her crossed arms rested atop them. He could see that she had recently showered. Her dark red hair was damp and tied back in a loose bun, stray tendrils of hair hanging down and framing both sides of her face. She had changed and was wearing a pair of gray sweats and a black ribbed tank top with a small N7 embroidered above her left breast. And she was barefoot; Kaidan didn’t think he’d ever seen her walk barefoot around the Normandy before, not outside of her quarters.

“Jane?” he said quickly. “Are you alright? What happened?”

Her head had shot up as the door to Starboard Observation slid open, and she seemed equally surprised to see him standing there. She’d opened her mouth as if she were about to say something, but as she stared up at him standing over her, she closed her mouth, swallowing back her words.

Kaidan realized that this was precisely the position they’d been in on the shuttle: Jane sitting on the ground while he stood towering over her. He didn’t want a replay of what had happened between them earlier, so he crouched down beside her.

“Should I get Dr. Chakwas? What’s wrong?” he prompted again since she hadn’t yet answered him. He was worried that perhaps Jane wasn’t feeling well and Chakwas had released her from the med bay prematurely. Images from earlier of Jane sprawled unconscious on the floor of the shuttle and Jane sitting in a similar position to this one but with blood trailing down from her nose flashed through his mind.

She shook her head slightly, not looking him in the eye. “No, nothing’s wrong. Not like that, anyway. I’m fine.”

He gave her a skeptical look and said perhaps a little too pointedly, “Jane, you’re not fine. You almost died today.”

After a moment, she replied quietly, “Yeah, I know.” His heart nearly broke when he saw that her lower lip was trembling as she spoke.

“Oh. Come here, sweetheart,” he said, reaching for her as he shifted lower so that he was now sitting on the ground beside her instead of crouching. She turned into him then, burying her face in his chest as she began to sob. He slid his arms around her, one hand cradling the back of her head, fingers buried in her hair, and the other on her back, holding her tightly to him. Kaidan took in a deep breath, trying to calm himself as she cried against him, her hands clutching at his back and fisting into his shirt.

“I’ve got you, it’s alright,” he murmured soothingly as he held her, and he felt her breathing hitch slightly as she recognized the words. They were the same ones he had spoken to her last week when they’d made love for the first time in three years, and he said them again now to ground her, to remind her of what lay between them. He wanted her to know that despite everything that happened today, he was here for her. He still had her.

As Jane continued to cry, Kaidan glanced up when a sudden movement down at the other side of the hallway caught this attention. An instinctive blaze of protectiveness flashed through him, not because he perceived the new presence as a potential danger but because he knew that Jane wouldn’t want anyone else to see her this way. He knew that the whole crew felt that she carried far too much on her shoulders and not a single one of them would judge her negatively for this moment of vulnerability, but he also knew that Jane would be embarrassed by it all the same and he’d spare her that, if he could.

Before he could come up with a plan for how to get the offending spectator to leave without drawing Jane’s notice, he realized that it was only Liara who had stepped into the hall. She had paused there at the corner beyond the elevator and looked down at Kaidan holding Jane while they sat together on the floor in front of the Observation room door. A soft, sad smile crossed Liara’s pretty face, and she just nodded at Kaidan before turning and walking away. It seemed she had just come to check on her friend, and apparently she’d felt that Jane was in good hands, since she’d left without a word.

However, this gave Kaidan the opportunity to get Jane out of the hallway before it was one of the Alliance crew who stumbled across them during nightly rounds. “Jane, let’s get out of the hallway, hmm?” he murmured as he rubbed a hand comfortingly along her back. She nodded and pulled away from him slightly, sniffling as her sobs subsided and she took in several deep, steadying breaths.

“Come on,” he said, standing. Jane remained sitting for a moment, wiping at the tears that had streaked down her cheeks. When she finished, he reached down to her, and she slipped her hands into his so that he could help pull her to her feet.

After she was standing, she made to take a step back from him, but before she could, he reached his arms out and wrapped them around her, crushing her to him in a proper embrace.

“God, Jane. I just… I just love you so much,” he whispered, his chin resting on top of her head. “I need you to know that.”

He could feel her nodding against his chest and her voice was slightly muffled by his shirt as she replied softly, “I _do_ know. And I love you, too. _So fucking much_.” Now she was repeating her own words from last week, and he laughed softly.

“Come with me,” he said, keeping his arms locked tightly around her as he began to take several steps backwards towards the still-open Starboard Observation door.

“Kaidan! What are you—” she exclaimed as she was pulled along with him, having to take short staggered steps to keep her footing else let herself be dragged along as he held her trapped against him. “Let me go!” she gasped with a laugh.

“Nope,” he said, smiling now, even though she couldn’t see his face since she was still pressed against him. “Can’t do it. I’m never letting go of you again, sorry.” He took several more steps backwards until he found himself backed up against one of the room’s couches. They were fully in the Starboard Observation room now, so the door slid shut behind them.

“EDI?” he called up to the ceiling tentatively. He hadn’t yet made a request like this of the AI, but he thought now was as good a time as any time to give it a try.

“Yes, Major Alenko?” came the AI’s disembodied voice a second later. Kaidan still held Jane pressed to him, but he could feel her shifting in his arms, trying to twist her head to peer up at him questioningly.

“Could you please make sure Commander Shepard and I have some privacy in Starboard Observation?” There was a long pause, and for a moment, Kaidan wondered if maybe he had miscalculated and EDI wouldn’t take such a request from him.

“Of course, Major.” After a beat, EDI added, “I have informed Jeff that he is not to disturb you unless there is an emergency.”

“Jesus—is Joker still doing that? Listening in around the ship?” Kaidan asked Jane, furrowing his brow.

Jane huffed out a laugh. “Yeah. It’s one of his more annoying habits. EDI is trying to break him of it, aren’t you, EDI?”

“Yes, Shepard,” EDI replied.

“Well, thank you for that, EDI,” Kaidan said. He wasn’t sure if you were supposed to thank an AI, but it seemed appropriate and he thought Jane would approve.

“You’re welcome. Good night, Commander. Major.”

With EDI having signed off, the darkened space was filled with nothing but the quiet hum of the Normandy’s engine and the soft glow of the emergency lighting that clung to the edges of the room.

“Now... where were we?” Kaidan asked, still leaning against the back of the couch and holding Jane tightly against him. He loosened his grip on her slightly so that she could straighten a little and stand more comfortably on her feet.

“Kaidan.” Jane sighed as she said his name, pressing her hands to his chest and gently pushing herself away from him. She was trying to put some space between them. “We should talk.”

“You’re right, we should. And we will. But Jane—” He released his hold on her then and slid his hands up to cup her face and look directly into those bold, emerald green eyes. “I almost lost you today. I almost never got to tell you again how much I love you, what you mean to me.”

“ _Kaidan_ —” she said again, and this time there was a slight tremble in her quiet voice.

Kaidan interrupted her before she could go any further. “Do you know what I was thinking just before you closed the hatch on that diving mech today?”

Jane froze but didn’t say anything, only shook her head. Her eyes were wide and shining with unspilled tears.

“I realized that I might never get to touch you again. I was letting you get in that stupid mech and it was going to carry you away and down to the bottom of the fucking ocean and I couldn’t stop flashing back to Alchera. I knew I couldn’t stop you from going, but I feel like I only just got you back and what if I let you go again and this time you never came back to me? Jane, if I have to watch you walk away only to lose you one more time, I couldn’t handle it. It broke me the first time... I don’t have a second time in me.”

He tilted his forehead against hers. When he spoke again, it was with all the quiet intensity he could muster.

“ _Please_ , Jane,” he begged, voice rough with emotion. “Just let me touch you. We can talk later.”

He closed his eyes and kept his forehead pressed to hers. His breath was caught in his throat as he waited for her response.

“Of _course_ you can,” she whispered finally, her voice breaking as she tried to hold back her tears.

The words were barely out of her mouth before he was kissing her.

Jane gasped when Kaidan crushed his lips against hers, but it was only a moment before she was returning the kiss with equal fervor. Her lips were salty from the tears she had already shed, and his heart ached to know that he had contributed to their creation. So he kissed all traces of her tears away.

She slid her arms around his neck and opened for him, so he pressed his advantage, sweeping his tongue into her mouth. He couldn’t get enough of her, never enough. He had come too close today to never being able to touch her, kiss her, taste her ever again.

Kaidan wanted to feel more of her, so he dropped his hands to the hem of Jane’s tank top and slipped his fingers beneath it. He slid his hands up underneath the fabric and around to her back, simply soaking in the warmth of her body. Just a few short hours ago, she had been so cold it had almost killed her.

The memory had him pulling her firmly against him, fingers splaying against her back so that his hands could touch as much of her bare skin as possible beneath her top. His fingertips grazed the lines of smooth scars that traversed her back, yet another reminder of her mortality. Kaidan tore his mouth away from their kiss and burrowed his face into her neck. He took in a deep, shuddering breath and just held her in his arms. She was here. She was warm and alive and she was here.

One of Jane's hands drifted to the back of his head, and her fingers threaded through his hair, gently massaging his scalp as she let him cling to her. “I’m right here, Kaidan. I’m not going anywhere. You won’t lose me,” she whispered. They were exactly the right words he should have wanted to hear, and yet...

Kaidan loosened his grip on Jane. How could she say that? He _already_ lost her once, and that was before they were in the middle of fighting a full out war against the Reapers. And anyway, he knew she couldn’t keep a promise like that. Not with her being who she was. Not with her having to make decisions like she did today. He didn’t need her to change who she was or make him promises she couldn’t keep; he just needed her to understand what he had been through. He needed to tell her the truth.

Kaidan sighed and released his hold on Jane, pulling his hands out from under her shirt and moving them to her upper arms. “Okay, let’s talk.” He gently pushed her away from him, causing her to take a step backward and putting space between them.

“Kaidan?” He heard the question in her voice, but he just shook his head and took her hand in his.

“You were right. We need to talk,” he said, leading her around to the other side of the couch so they could sit. When he sat, he pulled her down next to him, grasping her left hand in his right one and letting it rest in the space between them on the couch. He looked down at their intertwined fingers as he gathered his thoughts.

“I know you aren’t mine,” he began, raising his gaze to look into Jane’s eyes.

“Kaidan—” she cut in, but he squeezed her hand and she fell silent.

“Please, just… just let me say this.” She swallowed hard, then nodded at him. He continued, “I know you aren’t mine—or, at least, you aren’t _only_ mine. It’s not fair to you, but you mean so much to so many. Joker and the Normandy crew need you. Hackett needs you. The Alliance needs you. The Council needs you. Anderson and the people fighting back on Earth need you. Hell, every living creature in the galaxy needs you to be you right now.”

Kaidan paused for a moment. How did he make her understand that she was everything to him? That he had been absolutely lost—a shell of a human being—after she had died?

“I know it’s selfish of me, but you have to know… that I need you, too.”

“It’s not selfish, Kaidan,” Jane said hurriedly, before he could cut her off again.

“No, it _is_ selfish,” he insisted, “but I won’t apologize for it. Because I’m not the same as all those other people who need you. I _love_ you. I don’t want anything from you… I just want _you_.”

She didn’t cut in this time, so he took a deep breath and continued.

“I know that our relationship hasn’t been perfect by a long shot, and heaven knows I’ve made mistakes when it comes to us. But I have loved you for years, Jane, even if the sum total of our relationship amounts to just a couple of months. I’ve loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you and I never stopped.”

Jane’s eyes widened as his words washed over her. He kept talking; he needed her to hear this now, even if it was going to be hard for her to hear it.

“For years I’ve been watching you give everything, including your life, to serve others. I am in awe of your sense of duty and obligation to those who rely on you—I admire it, even. I would never ask you not to do it, but you have to understand what it does to me every time I have to watch you put yourself in harm’s way. I’ve seen you injured and exhausted. I’ve seen you nearly burn yourself out using your biotics. I’ve seen you knocked unconscious, and I’ve carried you in my arms back to the Normandy. Hell, Jane, I’ve watched you _die_.”

Jane winced when he reached the end of his last sentence. Kaidan’s volume had been increasing as he spoke, and in contrast with the silence of the room, he had practically been shouting the word _die_ at her. But this had been building for a long time, and he was finally going to tell her what he hadn’t talked about with anyone besides Dr. Chakwas. He’d _had_ to talk about it with Chakwas because she had figured out exactly what was going on when it had happened. His next sentence came out barely above a whisper, and he looked away from Jane and out the observation window as he said it.

“Jane, I _listened_ to you die.” There was a long moment of silence before she spoke.

“W-what?” she said, and Kaidan glanced back to her to find a horrified look on Jane’s face.

He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “You didn’t fully unlink our private comms after you ordered me to help get the crew into the evac pods. You couldn’t hear me, but I could hear you. I heard you get to Joker and persuade him to abandon the Normandy. I thought you both had made it to a pod, but then I heard him scream your name, and he sounded… I—I didn’t understand at first what was happening…”

Now it was Kaidan’s turn to cry. He couldn’t help the tears that began to stream down his face as he relived this worst moment of his entire life. But he needed her to know.

“The whole crew watched from our pods as the Normandy exploded. I wanted to assume you were in Joker’s pod, but then why had he screamed your name like that?” Kaidan closed his eyes and took several calming breaths before he was able to continue. “But then I could hear you. Your breathing. I started screaming your name, and I—I tried to relink my comm to yours, but I—I don't think it worked because you didn’t respond to me. I couldn’t do anything except listen to your dying breaths.”

Kaidan opened his eyes and looked at Jane. She was crying now, too.

“At first, your breathing was just shaky, like you were just scared maybe.”

Jane started shaking her head.

“But then your breaths got faster, more frantic. It was like panic was setting in.”

“Kaidan, please, stop—” But he couldn’t stop now. He hated to make her relive this, especially since he had never asked her if she remembered her own death, but he needed her to know.

“And then your breaths became shallow gasps. Like you weren’t getting enough air.” He let out a slow, shaky exhale. “Then you were gone. I couldn’t hear you breathing anymore. The whole thing couldn’t have lasted more than thirty seconds, and then you were gone.”

They looked at each other in the silent dark of the room.

“I didn’t know that you were dead, not for certain, until the Alliance arrived a couple hours later and picked up our evac pods. Joker wouldn't respond to our hails over his comm. When we opened Joker’s pod and he was alone in there…” Kaidan didn’t finish, he simply shrugged.

Jane pulled her hand from his and wiped the tears out of her eyes. Then she simply said, “Fuck.”

He breathed out a laugh as he wiped away his own tears. “Yeah, fuck is right.”

“Kaidan, I had _no_ idea—” she began.

“I know you didn’t,” he said quickly. “No one knows except Dr. Chakwas.” Jane raised an eyebrow questioningly, so he explained, “She was sitting right across from me in the pod, Jane. She couldn’t hear what I could hear, but she watched me listening to you die. She... figured it out.”

Jane dropped her gaze to the floor, no longer looking him in the eye. “I—I don’t know what to say, Kaidan. I know that sorry isn’t the right thing, but I don’t know what is.” She sounded so sad, just infinitely sad.

“Jane,” Kaidan said, holding out a hand. When he didn’t say more, she looked up at him and saw his hand extended. She reached for it, and he pulled her over to him. She crawled into his lap, and he wrapped his arms around her.

“ _I’m_ sorry,” he said. “I’m so sorry that happened to you, and I’m sorry that you had to hear that. But I needed you to know.” He tilted his head so that he could meet her eyes as she looked up at him. “I needed you to understand that your death haunts me. I still have nightmares about it. Sometimes I still can’t quite believe that you’re really here, and I’m not sure I’ll ever understand how it’s possible that you are. But as much as I hate what you’ve been through, I can’t be sorry that it brought you back to me. I am so grateful to have you back in my life. And I don’t want you to change who you are or stop being Commander Shepard, first human Spectre and Hero of the Citadel.”

She snorted a laugh and rolled her eyes at the nicknames.

“You scare the hell out of me with those risky stunts,” he continued, “but it’s also part of what I love about you. Making the hard decisions, taking the risks, all for the greater good—I wouldn’t change that about you. But I just needed you to know what it does to me to watch you take those risks and put your life on the line. Because I already know what it’s like to lose you. I’ve already lost you once. I need you to understand that I can’t live through that again.”

“Kaidan,” Jane said after a long pause. “You haven’t exactly made things easy on me, either, you know.”  
  
“What do you mean?” Kaidan asked, puzzled. What had _he_ done?

“What do I mean?” Jane replied, sounding a bit exasperated. “Well, for starters, I had to push you out of the way of that beacon back on Eden Prime.”

“Okay, well—”

“And then there was Virmire.”

“What? That’s not the same—”

“And what about Mars? You literally almost got yourself killed right in front of me a couple months ago, or have you forgotten?” Kaidan swallowed. He hadn’t forgotten.

Jane shifted in Kaidan’s lap so that she was straddling him. She placed her hands on either side of his face so she could look him in the eyes. “You know it would break me to lose you, too, right? Ask Liara what I was like after Mars sometime.” Kaidan felt a bit ashamed; he hadn’t realized that Jane might have taken his injury so hard since they weren’t even together at the time. He had actually thought she’d been quite mad at him that day, and rightly so, given the way he'd acted towards her during most of that mission. More regrets.

Kaidan leaned his head forward, pressing his forehead against hers. “Okay, so... both of us have put the other through hell more than once. And it probably isn’t fair to make either of us promise not to do it again, given our current circumstances.” He smoothed a hand over her hair, resting his palm against the back of her head.

“Ha, yeah,” Jane huffed, “probably not”

“But we’re a team,” he said.

“We’re a team,” she echoed.

“I would never ask you to change who you are, and I would never challenge your decisions on a mission. But maybe we could work on communicating more? Maybe work on not putting ourselves in excessive danger without at least talking to the other person first?”

“Yeah, we can work on that,” she replied with a soft laugh.

“We’ve just lost so much time already, Jane” he said, sighing. “I don’t want to lose any more.”

“Me either.”

“Okay.”

Jane angled her head and pressed her lips against his. Kaidan closed his eyes and returned her kiss. Then, he felt the warmth of her lips leave his as she slid off of him and got to her feet. He opened his eyes and found her standing in front of him.

“Come to bed?” she asked softly, reaching for his hand.

“Yeah,” he replied, raking his fingers through his hair and letting out a shaky breath. “Yeah, okay.”

She was smiling at him—and it was such an open and honest smile that he couldn’t help but return it as he placed his hand in hers and let her pull him to his feet. He kept his hand in hers as she led the way out of Starboard Observation and they walked the short way down the hall to the elevator.

Jane hit the call button, and while they waited a minute for the lift to arrive from the shuttle bay, Kaidan pulled Jane against him, so that her back was flush against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pressed a kiss to her temple.

She made a soft noise, then leaned her head back and to the side, resting it on his shoulder and exposing her neck to him. At the same time, she arched her back slightly, pressing her lower half suggestively against his.

“Jane.” His words came out as a soft growl, low and husky. “We’re in the middle of a hallway.”

“And?” was her only reply, and he chuckled softly before dipping his head and placing his lips on her neck. He nipped at the juncture of her neck and shoulder playfully, then began to suck at the tender flesh.

He was about to murmur something against her skin when he heard the elevator door slide open. Jane jolted beneath him, and Kaidan’s head flew up as he took a quick step back from Jane.

“Umm…” said the very muscular man standing in the definitely not empty elevator.

“Evening, James,” Jane said, a little too loudly given their close proximity to the lieutenant. Kaidan felt himself flush as he watched Vega read the situation in the hallway, a goofy grin forming on his face.

“Commander. Major,” Vega said, nodding his head slightly at each of them in turn. His grin grew even wider as his eyes flicked back and forth between the two of them.

“Lieutenant,” Kaidan replied tersely. The three stood awkwardly for a long moment, none of them moving. “Uh, can we help you?” Kaidan finally asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

“You guys are, uh, blocking the hallway.”

“Oh!” Jane said as she leapt quickly to the side. Kaidan took a more measured step backward to allow Vega to pass.

Vega snorted, then stepped forward and exited the elevator. He gave a casual salute as he passed by them and said with a smirk, “You folks enjoy your night.”

Kaidan raised his eyebrows as the lieutenant sauntered around the corner and towards the mess. “I feel like that was insubordinate or something,” he muttered.

Jane glanced back at Kaidan, a flush of pink evident on her cheeks and neck. “It’s fine. He means well,” she said with a nervous laugh. “Come on.”

He followed her into the elevator, then paused, watching her press the button to direct the lift up to her quarters. Kaidan rubbed at his neck; seeing Vega reminded him of something the lieutenant had said during their mission today.

“Who’s Lola?”

“What?” Jane’s head whipped around so fast Kaidan almost barked out a laugh. Instead he just shrugged.

“Vega referred to you as Lola during the mission today. I was just wondering why,” he said, keeping his tone nonchalant.

“It’s just a nickname,” she said dismissively, crossing her arms. She was being weirdly defensive.

“Yeah, I got that since your name is Jane,” Kaidan replied. “But why that particular one?”

She gave him a look that clearly said she really didn't want to answer. He just raised an eyebrow at her, so she finally relented. "Ugh, fine. It was apparently the name of his best friend’s hot, tough, older sister.”

Kaidan blinked. “What? He told you that?”

Jane shrugged. "Only after I kicked his ass in a spar." She glanced up at Kaidan. “Wait, Kaidan, are you _jealous_?” she asked, a grin spreading over her face.

“Of Vega? Of course not,” Kaidan scoffed. He wasn’t. Well, Vega might have more muscles than Kaidan, but muscles weren’t everything. Kaidan had his biotics and he didn’t think he was half-bad looking either and—

“No, you _are_ ,” Jane teased, interrupting his thoughts. She took a step closer to him and slid her arms around his waist.

“Well,” he said, leaning forward to press a kiss to her lips. “Can you blame me? You _do_ have a history of sleeping with your lieutenants.”

“Shut up!” she exclaimed, swatting him playfully. The elevator door opened behind her and she slipped out of his arms.

“Tell me I’m wrong,” he said wryly, raising an eyebrow.

“I’m not interested in lieutenants anymore,” Jane said, walking backwards out of the elevator. She crooked a finger at him, beckoning him to follow her. “I only sleep with majors now.”

“Lucky me,” he said, grinning as he followed her into her quarters.

“Lucky you, indeed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So I had been mulling over the idea that this Kaidan had listened to this Shepard die for quite a while now, though I hadn’t originally planned on including that story here. But as I was writing this final chapter, revealing this piece of information just really helped explain why Kaidan reacted so strongly to Shepard risking her life on this mission. It was honestly a really difficult conversation to write (tears may have been shed by more than just the characters), but I think Kaidan and Shepard landed in an okay place by the end.


End file.
